Nancy T.
Several years ago, I read an article in the San Antonio Light in which Casey Hoffman, the founder of Supportkids of Texas, was interviewed.
I carried the clipped article in my purse for some time before calling him to make an appointment. Mr. Hoffman himself interviewed me. When I handed him a photograph of my children, Sarah and Sam, his display of concern for their well-being made an impression on me.
It took several months to get things rolling. My former husband's employer was uncooperative. Once we started receiving our support checks, they continued to come, slowed only by federal holidays (they are processed through Bexar County before going to Supportkids). Ron owed Sarah and Sam almost $20,000 in back child support.
I deliberately waited until my children were in their teens before pursuing Ron for child support. He has not seen Sarah or Sam since Sam was two and Sarah was four... the visits were hard on the children.
Sarah, born with severe asthma, has been hospitalized 73 times and has been critically ill (and almost died) a number of those times. Ron mistreated Sam the last time he saw him (because he wouldn't stop crying for me). Sarah was in the hospital for three weeks following that visit. Ultimately, I told Ron to keep his money. And he did, for years.
We struggled—and suffered—without that money. I sold my jewelry, books, even furniture, in order to buy Sarah's asthma medication, which is very expensive.
Sarah will be twenty years old in November; Sam was eighteen in September. I have a good job as a church secretary. With grants and scholarships, both children will continue on with their education –Sarah to Palo Alto and then to an art institute in New Jersey, and Sam to UTSA. I even managed to put them both through private Christian schools from junior high through high school (Sam graduates this year).
I won't say that none of this would have been possible without Supportkids (I am incredibly stubborn, and my commitment to my children—even grown—is total), but I WILL say that Supportkids is responsible for making the journey easier and for restoring some justice to Sam and Sarah. Seeing me fight for what belongs to them, and knowing that Supportkids has accomplished the goal, has been a positive experience for them.
Somewhere, at some point, you have to set aside your fear of pursuing your ex-husband for child support (I know, I heard it all; "If you fight me for this, I'll get custody of those kids") and trust someone. You don't have to be bullied or afraid; if the truth is on your side, you have already won. You don't have to do it by yourself. Supportkids is there to help you.
If the legal fee Supportkids extracts from each child support check makes you hesitate, stop and realize that if you try to take care of this child support issue through the Attorney General's office, and if you are not on welfare, you will be bumped to the end of the line. Why? Because women receiving AFDC benefits from welfare don't receive their child support checks. The government keeps those checks as reimbursement for AFDC.
Either way, you don't win. There are hundreds of thousands of women not receiving child support in Texas; only those on welfare get top priority, since those cases pay salaries. This is what keeps women and children trapped in the welfare system.
Although the money is of course important, what matters more to me is Sam and Sarah knowing that I loved them enough to fight hard for justice for them. If you allow your ex-husband to get away with abdicating his responsibility to his children, not only are you enabling him to break a moral (and legal) law, but you are also empowering him to do so. You are silently telling your children that they are not worth fighting for.
You must fight. Remember that child support and visitation are two separate issues. My children have not seen their father for sixteen years. You can't force a person to care about his—or her—children. But you can right wrongs where you find the power to right them.
At age 45, I believe that the most important lesson I have learned is forgiveness. Until you forgive someone for hurting you, you are a victim, you think as a victim, you live out someone else's agenda, you follow a script someone else wrote. You will never be free until you forgive that person. The moment you do that, you begin writing your own script.
I have forgiven Ron for abandoning his children to poverty, for denying them knowledge of him, for denying himself knowing them. It is an unfortunate loss. But it isn't the end of the story. Life goes on.
Trust Supportkids. They will help you take those first steps, and they will be behind you the rest of the way.
Nancy T., TX
Supportkids client
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